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this_stray_dog in glbttherians

What I really was hoping to discuss here was the prospect of coming out to my parents. As I mentioned, I harbor much trepidation about the prospect. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas how I should breech the subject in conversation, and the general attitude in which I should approach my parents.

They've confronted me before, but, previously, I was too afraid to either say the whole truth, or scared enough to outright lie. It it philosophically and morally ingenuous to lie at all, especially to my parents (the latter is probably just hold-overs from older social mores), and I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. Currently, they think I'm either just afraid of a relationship with a woman, or deluded into thinking that I'm gay. They also think I'm single and avoiding relationships. Either way, it won't come as a complete shock to them if I do come out, I'm just worried what happens when I tell them that I'm seeing someone and have been for about 8 months. I've been reasonably capable of hiding that fact, a fact which I am not proud to have hid.

So, any exhortation, criticism, support, stories of coming out oneself, or anything else to give me a non-violent, intellectual way to approach this subject that will encourage me in this matter, I would greatly, and profoundly, appreciate.

Thank you,

~LDF

Comments

I find that coming out of the queer closet was much easier than coming out of the broom closet. I did it at seventeen. My mom still thinks its a phase (I'm 25).
Yeah, I understand that. Whenever my parents and I talk about it, my dad says that he doesn't think I'm actually gay, but suffering from some sort of personal insecurities. I don't really understand. I'm 22 right now, and I tried to come out at 20, but they confronted me about it much earlier, at 17. It's just a hard subject for me to brooch with my parents, because I'm still so afraid of the repercussions, namely getting turned out of the house, and losing my relationship with my family. I'm not sure how to get over that, or if that's even a prerequisite to coming out. At this point, I just hate lying to them when I tell them where I'm going, or who I'm going to see. There's a whole part of my life that I just don't share with them, and go to great lengths to hide, and I have a very big philosophical stigma against lying.

...What do you mean by "broom closet"? Are you Wiccan? How did your parents react when you came out of the big ol' rainbow closet? Did you come out of the broom closet or the queer closet at 17? How do you feel now that you've done that? Is it a relief, do you wish you'd acted sooner, or does the decision haunt you?

Feel free to ignore any or all of those question, I mean them mostly rhetorically... I'm not naive enough to expect that anyone else's experience would be similar to mine. But thank you for commenting, anyway. Any sort of comment here makes a difference for me.
These decisions are always hard to make. And I guess you can rarely gauge people's reactions beforehand, you rarely know what's going to happen. Sometimes there's just no satisfactory result.
And when parents go into denial, it can be annoying, but there are worse turn-outs. I'm FtoM transgendered, and the mother simply won't believe it, she's convinced I'm really female. Well whatever. As long as I get no interference in anything, her opinion doesn't matter that much. But in any case... you have come out before, and people chose not to believe you. Your duty's done, I'd say go about your business. The denial is an annoyment but no one can say you're lying.

Oh yeah and nice to meet you. *g*
Don't know if you've tried coming out yet (this entry is old, but I'm new, of sorts...)

I "came out" as a lesbian (for lack of a better word, I really dislike it as a label for myself though) when I was ahh.. 15? Dad was furious and demanded to know why I called myself so when he knew I hadn't even bothered to "try" any guys first. Dear gods. Yea. Mom was a bit more intelligent, but not by much. I *was* living with them at the time, but as I'd already spent time on the streets and survived, I didn't much care about the risk of being kicked out again. The streets were better than "home" anyways.

So slightly different situation but what I learned was that although it may seem *terrifying* beyond belief to be kicked out, even if they do so you won't die. You'll likely survive, though be a bit more dirty and un-normal for it. If you feel like you are losing more of your sanity and core self the longer you pretend to be straight, then stop hiding. Its better to be homeless, I think, than to lose the important parts of yourself. Takes less effort to recover from being homeless than to recover from lost identity.

But if its not stealing your core self, if you just feel bad about being dishonest, as bad as I know that can be, it might be best to just sit on it and wait until you are no longer dependent on your parents for critical necessities of life. Its decidedly unpleasant on the streets, and the food leaves much to be desired. :/

I didn't tell my parents about being in a relationship with a woman for over two years, even after coming out as gay. Easier for someone to handle the theoretical aspects of someone being gay than to be forced face-to-face with actual proof in the form of a relationship...

But then, I had it pretty easy, compared to a lot of kids I know so that probably biases what I think. For myself, it was a LOT easier to come out as gay but single than it was to admit to falling in love with a man many years later. My family, and most of my friends too, have forced me to cut them out of my life because of that. Arg. Who knew it would be so much harder to be in a "straight" relationship?? Not that either of us is all that "straight", actually :D

Most important, in all this, is people to talk to that can accept you for who you are without judging you for it. The internet is a wonderful place for such, though it has some pretty high risks too..

October 2007

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